"I can invision a world of perfect peace and harmony: no wars, no fighting, no weapons.... And I can see us attacking that world 'cause they'd never expect it."

and on a related note:

"I wish that all of mankind would give up it's warlike ways and the Earth would become a society of pacifists. That way, I could take it over with a butter knife." Dogbert, from the comic strip Dilbert

"It's terrible that entire families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs..."

Strange voice: "Well... can you destroy the earth?"
The Tick: "Egad, I hope not!! That's were I keep all my stuff!!"

"Remember: Never pet a burning dog..."

"It is the nature of man to mistake genius for insanity."

"This sentence no verb."

"The other half of this sentence is..."

"Why worry about tomorrow, when it will soon be yesterday?"

"When all is said and done, more is said then done."

"There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't."

"No one was more surprised at being elected to Danish Parliament yesterday than Comedian Jacob Hauergard. He ran on a platform of better weather, even better Christmas presents, the right of men to be impotent, and the standardization of vacuum cleaner bags. Here Here!"
The Philadelphia Inquirer Newspaper

"Who peed in the gene pool?"

"Isn't it depressing to think, a whole 50 % of ALL American schoolchildren are below the national average?"

"I kind of changed my screen play a little. First it was about a boy learning to cope with the fact that he was dying of AIDS. Then I added some vampires, the Mafia, and a psychotic group of roving clowns."

"Suicide is our way of saying to God 'You can't fire me, I quit!'." Bill Maher

"You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion ... All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one new number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! ... As a math atheist, I should be excused from this."
- Calvin to Hobbes

"Rose are red,
Violet are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
this one doesn't."

"I am trying to find myself. If I should return before I come back, please ask me to wait."

"Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Young's Law: If it were not for bad luck, I would have no luck at all.
Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."

"It's important to keep fit. My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 90, and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Don't put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after."

"Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out."

"Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies prefer bananas."

"What's your name?"
"Jenovski"
"How do you spell that?"
"S-M-I-T-H"
"What?"
"They're all silent; never mind. That's just the way it is."

"I don’t want friends with good taste, I want friends that taste good."

"I’d rather have this bottle in front a me, then, a frontal lobotomy. "

"That which does not kill us, hurts like hell."

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds, who had also never met.

If you were making a list of priorities, would reality be near the top?

"In a recent survey, 87% of NFL players said they would rather play on grass. Meanwhile, Michael Irvin said he would rather play on cocaine."
--Conan O'Brien

"I’ll get all the sleep I need when I’m dead"

"My definition of a redundancy is an air-bag in a politician's car."

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

Can you imagine a world without hypothetical questions??

When I die I hope I die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is an incoming train.

"90% of all statistics are made up."

"Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people bad at math."

"If ignorance is bliss, then you must be orgasmic."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Bother, said Pooh as the brakes went out!"

---Zack Weintraub

http://www.users.fast.net/~gandalf/index.html http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/5634/index.html

"Suicide is our way of saying to god, 'You can't fire me, I QUIT!!'." Bill Maher

Short Stories

Subject: Killer Cereal

I had a favorite cereal; ate it every morning. One morn I took a look at the nutritional information and discovered that it was, in essence, oat-flecked divots of lard. I spent a monkish year choking down Grape Nuts, which resemble a bowl of rugged BBs, but with less taste. Now I just eat what's cheap. This week it's Frosted Cheerios.

The word "Frosted" on the box guarantees that the sugar is clearly visible, not hidden, just as the word "Fruit" assures you that several pieces of fruit-hued putty with Real Fruit Flavor will tumble from the box, and the word "Fiber" means that the package will have the digestive effect of consuming a Chore Boy scouring pad.

Of course, I could scorn high cereal prices and buy the store brands with the cheap graphics. The boxes say things like, "If you like Fruit 'n' Fiber, you'll love Pits 'n' Chaff!", "If you like Lucky Charms, you'll love Frosted Pixie Gizzards!" And "If you like Alpha Bits, you'll be temporarily confused by Toasty Random Shapes!"

The cartoon characters on these boxes look like losers who couldn't get work with a real cereal. I'm sure the cereals taste fine. But I cannot bring myself to start the day with Oaty Clown Balls, not when the mascot leers like John Wayne Gacy on the last few hours of an amphetamine jag.

Actually, I don't have to commit to a cereal for an entire week just because I have a coupon. There are single-serve containers: The Kel-Bowl-Pac. In the 60s, this was a brilliant advance in cereal technology - a small single-serving box that doubles as a bowl. It was like something "Q" division would whip up for James Bond. They came in groups of four - Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispees, Sugar Pops, and Special K, a cereal that has had the flavor scientifically extracted. The weakest child got the Special K; it was nature's way.

It takes skill to use a Kel-Bowl-Pac, particularly if you are camping. You take a knife and cut along the dotted line, puncturing the inner membrane and plunging the knife into your leg. You now have a small box of cereal stuck to your thigh. Next step: scream uncontrollably, causing an adult to quiet your misery by giving you someone else's Frosted Flakes. Thus does the weakest child develop a sense of guile. It is nature's way.

The different between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Cheerios? The Flakes have a mascot: Tony the Tiger, Mr. Swank, the relaxed old pro, the Arnold Palmer of the mascot circuit. Sugar Puffs had Sugar Bear - that Rat-Pack refugee with the sleepy eyes and the Dean Martin manner, the spokescreature most likely to be brought up on a morals charge. (His co-defendant would no doubt be Toucan Sam, the Peter Lawford of cereal spokesmen.) I always got the feeling that Tony the Tiger would beat Sugar Bear to a moaning pulp if he got the chance; guys like Sugar Bear must have bugged Tony. Sugar Bear would have protested the Vietnam War; Tony would have supported it.

Where Frosted Cheerios stands on the matter of post-colonial Communist insurrections, I don't know. I just eat it because it's cheap. Next week it goes off sale, though, and I'll have to find something else. Lucky Charms, perhaps. Nice and apolitical.

Please don't tell me the leprechaun was caught running guns to the IRA.

**** My Very First Time ****

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....

Subject: 1996 Darwin Award Nominees
Date: Friday, January 24, 1997 12:41

> You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.

> Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

> The 1996 nominees are:

[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

[Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police."It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said."It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent.The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo.The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan." Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

> "More intelligence-challenged people"

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R.I.Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he:
1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted himloitering around a vending machine and
2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

> In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

[Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] > Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.

Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't
find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

Comedy Central Online

Official Monty Python Web Page of Silliness

An online IQ test.

Some Demented Lyrics (lyrics to songs that have appeared on the Doctor Demento Show ;)

AAAAAAAH!! It's a paradox!!!!